Why I Run

As part of the team I am running I wrote the words below about why I run. I actually wrote them about six weeks ago but wasn't sure I wanted to post it, it is a very personal thing for our family. I decided it is another way to honor my son Daniel's memory and let him know we still miss him.

I started running nine years ago, in the spring of 2000. Our first child was born the year before and I still hadn’t the lost the weight I gained during the pregnancy. Well, actually, it was my wife who was pregnant but I likely gained just as much weight. I had tried running on and off when I was younger, but I was 33 and it had been some time. It started as 5 minutes on the treadmill of running followed by 5 minutes of walking. I kept at it and in about a month or so was able to get up to three miles, a distance I ran four or five days a week. I progressed through that summer, losing about 30 pounds, most of which I have managed to find again in the interim. (It is amazing, there are a million things I lose and can never find, pounds always seem to find their way back.) At some point during that initial summer, I read that whatever distance you can run comfortably, if you push yourself you can probably double it. Keep in mind this doesn’t extend infinitely, so if you had an easy marathon recently (is there such a thing?) don’t expect 52 miles to be a walk in the park. I believed it and pushed myself to six and could feel the adrenaline. So began my dabbling with distances greater than 5K.

Unfortunately in October of the same year we had a tragedy that changed our lives. My wife had become concerned that our baby, who was 37 weeks along, hadn’t moved in some time. Her first pregnancy with our son William didn’t come easily so we were always a bit paranoid but something just didn’t seem right. I took the day off from work and we went to the doctor where we learned that the baby had no heartbeat. I can’t really explain the pain to this day, I have trouble typing the words. You don’t get past it, you get around it. You get distracted, but if you spend more than two minutes thinking about it, even after 9 years, it hits you like it just happened. Our son Daniel was delivered stillborn the next evening. I know there is plenty of pain to go around in this world and many have suffered more than we did that day but it is beyond the grasp of words on paper to explain what it is like to hold your newborn son and never feel his first breath or hear him cry. It is something we carry with us, a part of us. It changed, on the most basic level you can imagine, our souls.

I stuck with running because it was a distraction, and distraction was good. I read that the Long Island Marathon was in May of 2001 and decided to run it in memory of our son Daniel. I was in fairly good shape and followed Hal Higdon’s marathon training plan for beginners to the letter. I set a goal of a 4:30 finish but in reality would be happy just to cross the finish line. The race day weather was perfect, clear skies and about 50 degrees. I thought of Daniel many times along the way, it was so important to me that I make it across the line. I did well at first, getting to the half in two hours but I hit the proverbial wall a mile early at 19 and felt as though I had nothing left. I was relegated to walking, wondering how long the last 7 might take. I stuck with it though, found my legs and started running again. I could hardly believe it when I realized I had a shot at my goal. I remember seeing the clock at the finish and people encouraging me to run faster, realizing that I had 4:30 I my grasp. Little did they know, despite appearances to the contrary, I was running full out. I crossed the line at 4:29:57 and to this day I like to think Daniel was there with me.

I kept running afterwards, doing the Disney marathon in 2002 and every year after until 2006 when I decided to get Goofy. We brought our newborn son James along for that marathon, who was just a baby at the time. Our third child, Faith, was born later that year.

I have a million reasons why I fell off the running wagon afterwards, most of which don’t really hold water, but running does demand time and that demands choices and the running always seemed like an easy thing to sacrifice. I toyed with running Goofy again in the interim years but just never got my act together. When I saw that the AllEars Team was running to raise money for the Avon Breast Cancer Foundation it gave me the motivation I needed and now five years after the first Goofy I am giving another one a shot. I am doing it to help people find a cure, to honor my three wonderful children William, James and Faith and in memory of our son Daniel. I often say I do my best thinking when I am running. I will be thinking about my family and how fortunate I am to have them. They will give me the strength to get through 39.3 miles in two days and bring joy to however many days I enjoy on this earth afterwards.